Hitchhikers

There are some people still not using their air conditioner units yet. It's bloody burning up here... Feels like high summer on the open plains of the West, sun beating down on the dried grass and the wind trapped under a massive invisible duck down blanket snugly fit across the earth--not a cloud in the sky, nothing to hinder the penetrative rays of sunlight. On one side of the ravine is the Indian tribe, bickering amounts themselves about the best plan of attack to best their white brothers, and on the other side is the settlement, full of arrogant, self-absorbed first-generation white Americans fresh from the womb of Europe. In between is the diplomatic translator, used by both parties for their own purposes, teased and tossed about No Man's Land between the establishments. How his throat burns for water, how his head spins from the tension! The ship back to his mother country cannot come soon enough...

LOL the commercials for Swiffer are the funniest things on right now.

I do love how things are going right now, despite this temporary trip back to ... here... It'll all be okay, and I feel a big smile coming on when I think about that.

Rules of the Road

I love coming here. The absolute solitude during the day really helps clear my head, and the conversations I get to have with my dad both enthrall me and frighten me. He's tired, and he told me if it wasn't for Conan and I, he really doesn't see a point in being here... it scared me a little, but I can't say I don't blame him... he's gone through a lot, lived a lot, worked a lot... but it's right down scary.

Well, with this world turning to shit, I've got no where to run anymore, no pretty future to dream about, no prince (or rich old benefactors) to come and wisk me away. The way I'm living now... The way I am... I don't like it. I hate it, even. So, today, right now, I'm going to start changing. Nothing's overnight, but I feel better already. It's hard not thinking about the past, how much I want to go back and just hug my younger self and say, "it's okay, it's okay, I love you and you are beautiful." Well, I guess that won't change, but I can learn from it. Instead of waiting twenty years down the road, I'll tell myself now--it's okay, it's okay. I love you and you are beautiful.

Well! Enough of that sappy shit, I'm going clothes shopping. >:)

No Passing Zone

Spring is my least favorite of all the seasons. Didn't care too much for the Vivaldi impression, either...

I don't like this feeling, like I'm staring at the rest of my life from the top looking down--the bottom looks closer from the top, everything on the slant leading to the end appears scrunched and bunched up like the excess plastic wrapping on last night's leftovers. Don't know what's going to happen, but I still fear that nothing will, nothing will change. That no matter how much I personally grow, no one will look at me any different. I'll still look sixteen to the world until suddenly I wake up with premature wrinkles and gray hair... why should that worry me? No where near that sort of thing. Time flies so fast though... I spent my entire life so far looking ahead, waiting for some miraculous event to occur, take this leap off into a happier place and leave that hell behind. The answer always hid in the distance. Well, it isn't going to pop out of my goddamn cereal box when I'm twenty five. I don't even eat cereal.

I know that I'm going to have to be my own hero, my own favorite person, my own support.

Watched American Idol with my dad--all of the sudden I'm critiquing these people like I know what the hell I'm talking about. Never cared much for the show, but that host guy and Simon are the best thing about it. It's pretty funny to see my dad really involved, though. He has his favorites, knows all the rules, watched almost all the episodes... It's so cute.

My brother has gone through three girlfriends that I know about already. Holy shit. My brother is a middle school heartthrob. What was I doing his age? ... lol We had just moved again, from granny's to Winter Haven. I remember being his age. Never fit in, and I tried for a few years. I tell Conan now, "just be yourself, don't give a fuck what anyone else says..." I wish someone had told me that. I also tell him to be nice to girls, but don't treat them differently. I don't want him doing what I did and think the opposite sex is a completely different and exotic species.

Oh, crap, that makes me a bad sister, giving my brother advice with fuck in it...

White Lines

Tampa is such a wonderful place.

Taking myself out to the mall today, and if I find something cute on sale, I'm not going to regret getting it.

I'm struggling so hard to make myself believe that it'll all be okay, but I know it will eventually. I just hate the thought I'm wasting time wallowing around now when I could be enjoying life. I guess this last few months have opened my eyes up a little--I'm not just going to pop out of a cocoon and be this amazing, beautiful woman. We're creatures of habit. I'll be doing the same things and thinking the same brown thoughts thirty years from now if I don't start something now. Not going to be young forever, either--I decided I'm going to start making healthier decisions, because I'm worth it. I have to believe I'm worth it.

So begs the big question... what do I want?

So comes the answer--I don't know.

But for know, I'm content not spitting at my reflection in the mirror anymore. Makes cleaning the bathroom a lot more endurable.