Hitchhikers

There are some people still not using their air conditioner units yet. It's bloody burning up here... Feels like high summer on the open plains of the West, sun beating down on the dried grass and the wind trapped under a massive invisible duck down blanket snugly fit across the earth--not a cloud in the sky, nothing to hinder the penetrative rays of sunlight. On one side of the ravine is the Indian tribe, bickering amounts themselves about the best plan of attack to best their white brothers, and on the other side is the settlement, full of arrogant, self-absorbed first-generation white Americans fresh from the womb of Europe. In between is the diplomatic translator, used by both parties for their own purposes, teased and tossed about No Man's Land between the establishments. How his throat burns for water, how his head spins from the tension! The ship back to his mother country cannot come soon enough...

LOL the commercials for Swiffer are the funniest things on right now.

I do love how things are going right now, despite this temporary trip back to ... here... It'll all be okay, and I feel a big smile coming on when I think about that.

Rules of the Road

I love coming here. The absolute solitude during the day really helps clear my head, and the conversations I get to have with my dad both enthrall me and frighten me. He's tired, and he told me if it wasn't for Conan and I, he really doesn't see a point in being here... it scared me a little, but I can't say I don't blame him... he's gone through a lot, lived a lot, worked a lot... but it's right down scary.

Well, with this world turning to shit, I've got no where to run anymore, no pretty future to dream about, no prince (or rich old benefactors) to come and wisk me away. The way I'm living now... The way I am... I don't like it. I hate it, even. So, today, right now, I'm going to start changing. Nothing's overnight, but I feel better already. It's hard not thinking about the past, how much I want to go back and just hug my younger self and say, "it's okay, it's okay, I love you and you are beautiful." Well, I guess that won't change, but I can learn from it. Instead of waiting twenty years down the road, I'll tell myself now--it's okay, it's okay. I love you and you are beautiful.

Well! Enough of that sappy shit, I'm going clothes shopping. >:)

No Passing Zone

Spring is my least favorite of all the seasons. Didn't care too much for the Vivaldi impression, either...

I don't like this feeling, like I'm staring at the rest of my life from the top looking down--the bottom looks closer from the top, everything on the slant leading to the end appears scrunched and bunched up like the excess plastic wrapping on last night's leftovers. Don't know what's going to happen, but I still fear that nothing will, nothing will change. That no matter how much I personally grow, no one will look at me any different. I'll still look sixteen to the world until suddenly I wake up with premature wrinkles and gray hair... why should that worry me? No where near that sort of thing. Time flies so fast though... I spent my entire life so far looking ahead, waiting for some miraculous event to occur, take this leap off into a happier place and leave that hell behind. The answer always hid in the distance. Well, it isn't going to pop out of my goddamn cereal box when I'm twenty five. I don't even eat cereal.

I know that I'm going to have to be my own hero, my own favorite person, my own support.

Watched American Idol with my dad--all of the sudden I'm critiquing these people like I know what the hell I'm talking about. Never cared much for the show, but that host guy and Simon are the best thing about it. It's pretty funny to see my dad really involved, though. He has his favorites, knows all the rules, watched almost all the episodes... It's so cute.

My brother has gone through three girlfriends that I know about already. Holy shit. My brother is a middle school heartthrob. What was I doing his age? ... lol We had just moved again, from granny's to Winter Haven. I remember being his age. Never fit in, and I tried for a few years. I tell Conan now, "just be yourself, don't give a fuck what anyone else says..." I wish someone had told me that. I also tell him to be nice to girls, but don't treat them differently. I don't want him doing what I did and think the opposite sex is a completely different and exotic species.

Oh, crap, that makes me a bad sister, giving my brother advice with fuck in it...

White Lines

Tampa is such a wonderful place.

Taking myself out to the mall today, and if I find something cute on sale, I'm not going to regret getting it.

I'm struggling so hard to make myself believe that it'll all be okay, but I know it will eventually. I just hate the thought I'm wasting time wallowing around now when I could be enjoying life. I guess this last few months have opened my eyes up a little--I'm not just going to pop out of a cocoon and be this amazing, beautiful woman. We're creatures of habit. I'll be doing the same things and thinking the same brown thoughts thirty years from now if I don't start something now. Not going to be young forever, either--I decided I'm going to start making healthier decisions, because I'm worth it. I have to believe I'm worth it.

So begs the big question... what do I want?

So comes the answer--I don't know.

But for know, I'm content not spitting at my reflection in the mirror anymore. Makes cleaning the bathroom a lot more endurable.

Road Kill

Watching Bear Grylls eat every animal he comes across and trudge across the Sahara dessert made my situation look a lot less dramatic and less interesting... but nonetheless, I've got an intense British narrator dictating every event in my head...

"...and now she waits patiently for the grandfather to return home, so that the rest of the family can eat. Watch now as she distracts herself with the computer, chewing on her nails to dull the hunger. If she were to indulge in anything from the fridge, it most likely result in food poisoning..."

Watched a strange movie tonight. It was probably the most romantic thing I've seen in a long time. It was called "I'm a Cyborg, But it's OK." Basically about a girl who grew up with her grandmother who thought she was a mouse, ends up believing she's a cyborg, tries to charge her batteries by inserting wires into her open wound and plugging them into the wall... After landing herself in the loony bin, she ends up falling in love with a man who thinks he can steal people's souls. It was absolutely beautiful the way he pretended to open up her back to put in a make-believe device to convert food to electrical energy so she would eat. And he sung to her through a plastic cup attached by a string when she was recovering from electric shock therapy while he was in isolation... two completely messed up people found each other from the strangest circumstances... it ended as they were camping out after a failed attempt to gather a billion volts of electricity from a bolt of lightning so she could fulfill her life's purpose of blowing the earth up... it made me wonder... can two people with that much baggage really find love? Will they eventually leave the hospital and continue their relationship and grow together as people? Or...?

Watching Star Wars now... Poor Obi is fighting over a pit of molten lava... He is my favorite, you know...

Yuck... he just ate another scorpion...

Pin a shooting star
watch it fall, fade, flicker--
death to all hope,
doom to all dreams--
wish only on your feet

but given any chance to feel the river's wrath
I'd take my place in line.
One step is all it takes
to loose your footing in the stream
and tumble across the grainy pebbles,
laughing all the way.
One thing to regret the bruises
from protruding rocks
and another
for your feet to feel thirsty for cool water,
dry and cracked
from walking along side the bank.

Who is my favorite Lord of the Rings character? Who, I wonder...

I'm such an idiot...

Flat Tire

Today was like spilling oil on white carpet. Or maybe kicking over a baby stroller into open traffic. Or burning the country flag at a football game. Today just sucked.

So the penguin said to the duck, "at least you can fly, you jackass."

THIS close to punching John in the face. Damn the repercussions... I'll have to get him back somehow, before I forget to be mad at him. I can't hold on to a single stupid grudge for very long.

Headache... aspirin...

Stupid drama...

Intersection

When I went to the Hollingsworth Winds concert last night, I think I learned a little about life watching Dr. Jossim conduct. That woman is just amazing. Seeing her dance on the podium made even me want to get up, get confident and find my own orchestra to conduct, or at least take control of my life. It's a shame not more people go to these things. It's a glorious experience--I take back ever "I can just listen to a recording" comment I ever made, because in truth, nothing can top a live performance. Except maybe being the one performing.

Describing my situation with the cello to my aunt, she asked me--jokingly--sort of--if I was in a relationship with it, and it made me realize I do spend more time with this thing than I do with one single person a day--except on Tuesday. I do think of Nick more of like a partner in crime than just an expensive wooden artifact used to produce sound. I fair tackled John to run after Martha when she tried to take off with it...

It's hard to believe that I am completely different from ten years ago, five years ago, one year ago... how much more change will there be?

I'm relieved to say that I'm not frightened anymore by the concept of change.

I'd say bring it on.